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A lady goes into a bar and sees a Gator fan with his feet propped up on a table...
He has the biggest boots she has ever seen. The woman asks the Gator fan is it true what they say about men with big feet?

The Gator fan says, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"

The woman figures why not and spends the night with him. The next morning she hands the Gator fan a $100.00 bill. Blushing, he says, "I'm flattered, nobody has ever paid me for my services before."

To this the woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Three SEC Football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, drunk and passed out.

Out of respect and propriety, the Tennessee fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Alabama fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Florida fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Tennessee cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Alabama cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Florida cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Florida fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer, "I am simply surprised; normally when I look under a Florida hat, I find an asshole."

Ode To Steve Spurrier

Mirror Mirror on the wall,
Who is the best Coach of all?

"Surely not Spurrier!"he mirror replied
Coach Bowden is who you want on your side.

I saw the mirror was right for many reasons,
Almost as many as great FSU football seasons.

0 and 5 in the kingdom of Doak,
In 96, 24-21, to the classic 94 choke.

His Heisman trphy doesn't equal wisdom,
As was shown by his record in Bowden's kingdom.

His childish antics and thrown visors will be missed,
We all know FSU dominating is what made him pissed.

With Bowden, He loved to start a fight,
It looked like an episode of Guiding Light.

Most recently, with the "Battle of Twisted Knee",
In battles like these, he's dropped to 0 and 3.

The Warchant led FSU to many, over Florida wins,
Ironically, Spurrier will be getting more of it with the Redskins.

Bowden praises his "boys" efforts whether they won or lost,
Though Spurrier emphasizes a win at any cost.

If you dont win, Spurrier is no longer a friend,
A different message than Bowden he does send.
Bowden is the opitomy of integrity and charachter,
Spurrier the complete opposite, a bonafied loser.

Now in the pros, a smart move on Spurrier's behalf,
Another loss to the Noles was comin and he didn't want the NFL to laugh.

With the abundance of talent going to the pros,
He knew he didn't have much to work with, but thats how it goes.

Spurrier leaving his team when the need him the most shows,
What all Seminole fans all ready know, which is he blows.

Bowden on the other hand is a friend to the end of time,
Now more than ever he and his boys are in their prime.

So mirror mirror on the wall, thanks for showing me the way,
The way of the Seminoles, who will always be here to stay!!!

You might be a Gator if...
  • You ever cut your grass and found a car.
  • You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
  • You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  • Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
  • You own four cars and no hubcaps.
  • Your idea of a great Christmas present is a gift certificate to the local bail bondsman
  • Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
  • Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
  • You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  • Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
  • You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
  • You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
  • Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
  • Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
  • Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
  • Birds are attracted to your beard.
  • Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
  • You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
  • You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
  • You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberatley.
  • You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
  • You clean your fingernails with a stick.
  • Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
  • You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
  • You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
  • Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
  • You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
  • There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
  • The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
  • There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
  • You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
  • Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
  • The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
  • You've ever bought a used cap.
  • Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
  • You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  • You've ever financed a tatoo.
  • You've ever stolen toilet paper.
  • People hear your car a long time before they see it.
  • The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  • You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
  • You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
  • You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
  • You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
  • You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
  • Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
  • MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
  • You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
  • You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
  • Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
  • Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
  • You own a denim leisure suit.
  • Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
  • Your family tree does not fork.
  • You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap.
  • The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
  • You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
  • You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
  • You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
  • You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...."
  • You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
  • Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
  • You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
  • After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
  • Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
  • All of your four letter words are two syllables.
  • You've ever been too drunk to fish.
  • You cut your toenails in front of company.
  • You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
  • Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
  • You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
  • Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
  • You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
  • You call your boss "dude".
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
  • You have grease under your toenails.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  • Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
  • You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
  • You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
  • You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  • You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
  • You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
  • You've ever had sex with your buddy's wife in a Waffle House restroom after a UF home game.

If you have a car containing a Gator wide receiver, a Gator linebacker, and a Gator defensive back, who is driving the car?
The cop.


A poor farmer wants his son to go to his alma mater. The son is in his rebellious stage and wants to go to the best school possible and insists on going to Florida State. The poor farmer calls his alma mater and complains about his problem. A University of Florida scientist gets on the phone and tells the farmer that he is in luck as they have created a machine that will help the University of Florida recruit more college students. "See, we created this machine that will just suck the intelligence out of them", says the scientist. After the son insists for the last time on attending Florida State, the poor farmer hits him on the head, ties a rope around him and throws him in the car. Once the son is firmly secured in the machine the scientist asks him "The lanthanides and actinides are in what block of the periodic table?" The son answers, "The S block." The scientist reaches for a dial marked from one to 10 and turns it up to 5. Electricity sparks through the son, before the scientist turns it off. "Who created the theory of relativity?" The son replied, "Einstein". The scientist cranked the knob up to 7 and left it on until smoke started coming out of the son's ears. "What is two plus two?" The son drooled, "Four". The scientist said, "Damn, still too smart." and turned the knob up to 9. After a minute had passed, the scientist reached for the dial to turn the machine off when the poor farmer walked by with a "Girls of the ACC" magazine. Excited, the scientist accidentally turned the dial past 10 and snapped the knob off. After 10 minutes of frantic calls by the scientist, the overall power is turned off. The poor farmer rushes to his son's blackened body and cries, "Please, son, say anything, please!!!" The son's lips tremble and the poor farmer can hear the son softly moan, "Go Gators."

A Florida State biology student is in the morge preparing to preform an autopsy. He rolls the body over and prepares to start when he notices a cork stuffed into the cadaver's anus. He removes the cork and is startled to hear the University of Florida fight song. He puts the cork back, runs down the hall to his professor and says, "You have to come see this! Quick!" to which the professor responds, "This better be important. I'm very busy." The student leads him to the body and takes out the cork. The professor says,"Big deal, I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"

A Gator and a Nole are both taking a leak at the urinals in the men's restroom. The Nole shakes it off, zips it up and heads for the door while the Gator says, "Aren't you going to wash your hands?" To which the Nole replies, "No, why?"
Gator: "At The University of Florida, they taught us to wash our hands after using the restroom."
Nole: "At Florida State, they taught us not to piss on our hands!"

Two boys from Alabama were playing sandlot football, when one of the boys was attacked by a rabid dog. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from a nearby fence, wedges it under the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck, thereby saving his friends life. A Birmingham television reporter hears of the courageous act and rushes over to interview the boy.
"YOUNG AUBURN FAN SAVES FRIEND FROM VICIOUS ANIMAL" he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not an Auburn fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry," said the reporter, "since we are in Alabama
and you were wearing blue and orange, I just assumed
you were." He starts writing again.
"But I'm not an Alabama fan either," the boy responds.
"I assumed that everyone in the state of Alabama!
was either an Auburn or Alabama fan. Who do you root
for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Florida Gator fan," the boy replied.
The reporter starts with a clean sheet of paper from
his notebook and scribbles:

"My best friend went to UF and did a summer term in Tallahassee to spend the
summer with me. So she'd walk around campus with her gator key chain, drive
around in her car with the gator license plate and decals, wear her gator
shirts. "One day she was talking to a group of us and got really upset. She
complained, 'I'm going around with all my gator stuff, and people here keep
looking at me weird! "One of my friends goes, 'Oh, sweetie, get used to it. No matter where you are, that's going to happen to you for the rest of your life!'"


Spurrier abruptly resigned from Florida

Top ten reasons he resigned:

10. He was just sick and tired of losing to Bobby Bowden in Tallahassee and wasn’t going to go through the pain again next season.
9. He finally realized how ridiculous people look wearing blue and orange.
8. He never liked the smell of "Hogtown".
7. He was banned from all the golf courses in Florida for "Foul play".
6. The coach in Tallahassee was so "good" it made him seem "evil".
5. Not enough boogers to go around in Gainesville.
4. There’s more to do in Washington D.C. than "cow tipping".
3. His favorite colors are really garnet and gold.
2. He’s hoping to have "power struggle"with President Bush.

The #1 reason for resigning:

Florida State hurt his feelings.

Why did the Gator cross the road?

Because it's easier than crossing the goal line?

What is the difference between Cheerios and the Gators?
Cheerios belong in a bowl!

What is the difference between Steve Spurrier and God?

God doesn't think he is Steve Spurrier.

Why does spurrier wear the visor?
To hide the circumcision marks.

Why can't Steve Spurrier go on the internet?
He can't put 3 w's together.
How do you keep a Gator out of your front yard?
Put a goal post up!
How many Gators does it take to change a flat tire?
Just one...unless it's a blowout, then they all show up!
What do you get when you cross a Gator with a groundhog?
Six more weeks of bad football.
If you have a car containing a Gator wide receiver, a Gator linebacker, and a Gator defensive back, who is driving the car?

The cop.
What's the difference between a Gator and a bucket of manure?
The bucket.
What's the best thing to come out of Gainesville?
Why did the Gator grad get fired from the M&M factory?
He was throwing away too many W's.
How many Gators does it take to tackle Chris Weinke?
Good question, no one knows.
What did the UF graduate say to the FSU graduate?
"You want fries with that?"
Why is UF changing their mascot to the possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How do you sell out a UF home game?
Invite the Florida State Seminoles!
What should you do if you find three Gators buried up to their necks in cement?
Get more cement!
Good uses for a UF diploma:
1. Toilet paper
2. Proof of need for handicapped parking sticker
3. Crying towel
4. Proof of need for welfare
How many Gators does it take to tackle Charlie Ward?
I don't know, but it's more than eleven!

A guy is in a bar with his dog, watching the Florida State vs. Uf game. The gators surprisingly manage to get a field goal and the dog barks repeatedly. The bartender looks at the dog in awe. After a while the gators score a touchdown and the dog does flips and dances across the bar. Then, the bartender looks at the guy and says, "Man, that's amazing. What does your dog do when UF beats the Noles?" The guy replied, "I dunno, I've only had him 3 years."
What do you call an UF grad wearing a suit and tie?
The defendant!
What does the average UF student get on their SAT's?
Why did Forrest Gump choose 'Bama over UF?
He wanted an academic challenge!

A FSU grad, a Miami grad, and a Florida grad are waiting to be executed by firing squad. The FSU grad is first, and as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad panics and runs away, allowing the FSU grad to jump over the wall and escape. The Miami grad is next, and
as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, "Flood!" The firing squad again panics and runs away, so the Miami grad also jumps over the wall and escapes. The Florida grad is last. As he is waiting to be executed, he remembers what the FSU and Miami grads had done, so he yells, "Fire!"

What do a FSU student and a UF student have in common?

They were both accepted to UF.

There was an UF grad who bought a horse from a minister. The minister said, "Say 'Praise the Lord' to make him go, and 'Amen' to make him stop." The UF grad took the horse and left. They were galloping at quite a fast pace when they suddenly approached a cliff. The Gator forgot what to do, and kept on yelling, "Stop! Stop!" until he finally remembered. He then yelled "Amen," and the horse stopped. Seeing that they were saved and only a few inches away from the cliff, the Gator was rejoiced and yelled, "Praise the Lord!"

What do tornadoes and UF grads have in common?
They both always end up in trailer parks!

A man walks into a store and says, "I would like a orange hat, blue pants, green sweater, and white shoes." The clerk says, "Are you a Gator fan?" "Yes," replies the man, "How did you guess--by the color combination?" "No," answers the clerk, "because this is a hardware store."

There was a couple who were getting divorced, so the judge said to the child, "Who do you want to live with? Do you want to live with your Dad?" "No," said the child, "he beats me." "Do you want to live with your Mom?" "No, she beats me too." "Well who do you want to live with?" "I want to live with a Gator Fan." Confused, the judge asked, "Why?" The child replied, "Because they never beat anybody that's good!"

One day in a bus station, one man approached another and said, "I bet your from the University of Florida." "Why yes I am" answered the other. "How could you tell, was it my good looks, my debonair charm, my taste in clothing?" "No," replied the first, "I saw your class ring as you were picking your nose."

There's a guy from UF driving from Gainesville to Tallahassee, and a guy from FSU driving from
Tallahassee to Gainesville.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars
go flying off in different directions.
The Gator manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and
says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!!!"
Likewise, the Nole scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I
can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Gator walks over to the Nole and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals."
The Nole thinks for a momment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm going to see what else survived this wreck."
So the Nole pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the
Gator, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding
and friendship."
The Gator says, "You're right!", and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels.
After putting away nearly half the bottle the Gator hands it back to the Nole and says, "Your turn!"
The Nole twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show

Did you hear about the big power outage at the UF student union?
Forty Gators were stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.
Why couldn't UF have a nativity scene this past Christmas?
They couldn't find three wise men.
What is the difference between a Gator fan's car and a Porcupine?
The Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Three students went to the Olympics in Atlanta. One was a Nole, one was a cane and one was a
gator. They had almost no money to start with so by the time they got to Atlanta they had no money
for tickets to the events. The Seminole put a pair of sneakers around his neck, went up to the
basketball venue and said "Johnson, Florida State University, basketball." The security guard let him
in. The cane got the message. He put a pair of track shoes around his neck, went up to the track
venue and said "Smith, University of Miami, track." The security guard let him in. The gator thought
he had it. He saw a roll of barb wire by the side of the road, picked it up and threw it over his
shoulder. He went up to the nearest venue and said "Miller, University of Florida, fencing."

Top 10 Classes at UF.
1) Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F" ?
2) Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States
3) Sandwich Making: A Project Course
4) Hand-Shadow Workshop
5) Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend
6) Cliff's Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics
7) Hooked on Phonics
8) The College Classroom: A Simulation
9) ABC's: An Extended Version
10) Literature: Coloring inside the lines

They've hired a new waitress at the coffee shop on north Monroe. She's a robot. A man walked in
and she greeted him at the door. Dinner for one? Yes he replied. She said, tell me sir, what is your
IQ? 150 he said. So they talked for a few minutes about global current events. She said excuse me
for a minute as another man came in. Dinner for one? Yes the man replied. Tell me she said, what is
your IQ? The man said 120. So they sat for a few minutes talking about the possibility of a comet
striking the earth and other natural disasters. Another man came in the restaurant and she greeting
him at the door. Dinner for one she asks? Yes, replied the man. If you don't mind sir, would you tell
me your IQ? 50 the man said. To which the robot replied, GO Gators!

If you have one gun with two bullets, and Steve Spurrier, Hussein, and Castro in a room, what do you do?
Shoot Spurrier twice to make sure the jerk is dead.
What is the difference between Steve Spurrier and a litter of puppies?
Eventually, the puppies will grow up and stop whining.

A woman wants a sophisticated sports car, saved and saved and scrimped and after 5 years she finally had enough money and credit to purchase this special car. So, she buys the car with all the fancy gear and takes it out for a ride, but with all the buttons she can't find the radio controls. She pushes every button on the console luck.
So she goes back to the dealership and complains about there being no radio, and the salesman
says: on a car like this, the radio has to be very very fact, it is voice activated. Girl asks:
how do you get it to work? Salesman says: Radio on: And from a hidden speaker the radio comes
on and says what station? Sales guy says: Rock music: Right there the radio plays Rolling Stones
record from WKGR; Guy says: County music: Right there the radio plays Garth Brooks on
WIRK;Guy says: Alternative: Radio plays Nirvana from WBZ.
The girl is ecstatic. Takes the car out. Says: Oldies: On comes WBCH
and Bachman Tuner Overdrive.
Just then, a car cuts in front of the girl, causes her to screech to a halt. She says: Idiot! From the
radio: Welcome to the Steve Spurrier Show.

What are the toughest 6 years in a Gator's life?
3rd grade.
What do you call a Gator with half a brain?
What job do they assign Gators at the M&M factory?
How many UF freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, it is a sophomore course.

Steve Spurrier's greatest inventions:
1. Solar powered flashlight
2. Water-proof towel
3. A book on "How-To-Read"
4. Inflatable dart board

Why don't Gators use 911 in an emergency?
They can't find 11 on the dial.
Did you hear about the Gators found frozen in a car at the drive-in movie in January?
They went to see "Closed for Winter".
What do you call 12 Gators in a basement?
A "Whine" Cellar

Four alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Florida school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all.
They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Miami grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for Miami! Go Canes!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be outdone, the UCF grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for Cental Florida! Let's Go Knights!"
Seeing this, the Florida State grad walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Gator off the side of the mountain.

Why do UF grads hang their diplomas in the rear windows of their cars?
So they can park in "handicapped" spaces.
How do you get a UF graduate off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza!!!!

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey barkeep- did you ever hear the one about the Florida Gators?"
Four huge men stand up and approach the man. One of them says, "We play football at UF- you sure you wanna tell that joke?" The guy replies, "What? and have to explain it four times?"

What is the difference between a Gator and Rice Crispies?
Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.
Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco Chase?
On the UF campus, because that's the last place you'll find a football player.
What's the difference between a Gator and a dollar bill?
You only get three quarters out of a Gator.

After Steve Spurrier dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Steve a
little two-bedroom house with a faded UF banner hanging from the front porch.
"This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says.
Steve looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill...
It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows.
FSU flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge FSU Seminole banner hangs between the
marble columns.
"Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question.
I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Bobby Bowden gets a mansion with
new FSU Seminole banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment. God says. "That's not Bobby's house, that's mine."

Two boys from Alabama were playing sandlot football, when one of the boys was attacked by a rabid dog. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from a nearby fence, wedges it under the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck, thereby saving his friends life. A Birmingham television reporter hears of the courageous act and rushes over to interview the boy.
"YOUNG AUBURN FAN SAVES FRIEND FROM VICIOUS ANIMAL" he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not an Auburn fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry," said the reporter, "since we are in Alabama
and you were wearing blue and orange, I just assumed
you were." He starts writing again.
"But I'm not an Alabama fan either," the boy responds.
"I assumed that everyone in the state of Alabama!
was either an Auburn or Alabama fan. Who do you root
for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Florida Gator fan," the boy replied.
The reporter starts with a clean sheet of paper from
his notebook and scribbles: